If Ali G Were Created in 2026, What Would He Be Doing?

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It’s hard to say what exactly it is about our current cultural moment that possessed multi-millionaire comedian Sacha Baron Cohen to resurrect Ali G’s lifeless body rather than letting him rest in power.

Unfortunately, the Anti-Defamation League’s favorite satirist has now decided this is the perfect point to bring back the durag and bling; I guess he felt enough time had passed since Woke 1.0, when this sort of behavior might have resulted in a congressional hearing.

On his emergence in 1998, this satirical creation—an aspiring rapper from suburban England—had important things to say about the nature of identity in an increasingly globalized world, like FUBU is ugly, and what if cannabis. Now, 28 years on, it appears that he, like everyone else, has got nothing better to talk about than Sydney Sweeney’s breasts.

Watching the trailers for Ali G: Who Iz I?, you’d be forgiven for thinking the original purpose of this comedy character was to ridicule MAGA America, when in fact the target of mockery was poor people in general—but don’t worry, it’s done with enough irony to keep the Democrats happy, though I’m not sure anyone else will find it all that funny. Regardless, I feel confident that, unlike in the last movie, you won’t hear him drop the N-word within the first ten minutes.

This weekend, for the purposes of research, I subjected myself to 2002’s Ali G Indahouse, truly an eerie relic of a bygone era of job security and being able to go to Russia on holiday. This got me thinking, as Baron Cohen tries (and fails) to move with the times, if someone invented the Ali G character now, where would he exist and what would he be doing?

KICKSTREAMER
In 2026, bad boy streamer Ali G is suggesting you grow a goatee for looksmaxxing, something even more disfiguring than smashing your own face with a hammer. He’s giving out advice on sexual market value and finding a True Julie. He’s selling his trademark glasses with colored lenses as a wellness product that cuts out blue light. He’s running an unaccredited online university where you can pay $49.99 a month to learn how having a modified Renault 5 GT Turbo (rented) is an essential expression of masculinity. He’s being deported from the United States, and the fanboys have gathered outside Miami jail to beatbox their support. He’s dropping the N-bomb at a No Kings rally and getting shot dead by Chud the Builder. 

PODCAST SKIT
In audio form, he started life during the pandemic as a woke-baiting, Brit-teasing 30-second Nick Mullen bit that causes Stavros Halkias to laugh hysterically, while Adam Friedland rolls his eyes in despair. (Mullen extends the character onto TikTok, with one, maybe two, videos of him blazing giant zoots, which achieve a fleeting virality.) In 2026, Mullen is invited to bring the Ali G character onto SNL UK, making it obvious the joke has run its course.

UK POO ARTIST
On Reels, you can watch no-budget videos of 2026 Ali G singing “Me Julie” as a team of supermarket security guards attempts to detain its 35th shoplifter of the day in the background. He’s one of the less charming artists to be mentioned in “scene reports” about UK Poo—Britain’s Newest (and Worst?) Music Genre. Nevertheless, he’s invited to guest on a Drake track (you might say that Ali G is redundant in a world where many consider Aubrey to be one of the greatest rappers of all time, but I won’t, as I’ve still got his glazers sliding into my DMs to hate on the ICEMAN write-up).

AN X POST
This version of 2026 Ali G pays for a premium account on X, where he keeps writing 500-word posts (with the help of AI) about phenotypes and haplotypes. The algorithm relentlessly serves you his pseud-y micro-essays about skull shapes and how the archers of Agincourt are having their proud bloodline polluted with Jamaican super-strength skunk. No one is reading all of that, but all the worst people online are retweeting it anyway.

MEMECOIN FREAK
A cartoonish, larger-than-life character that people aren’t sure is real or not? That’s right, Ali is a memecoin freak. He’s selling $PUNANI and, though it’s unclear if he’s making anywhere near as much money as some people are claiming, the creator fees aren’t far off the global box-office takings for the opening weekend of Ali G: Who Iz I?

OTHER NEWS

  • It’s been a while since I’ve seen any of my friends get married, so I’m glad I found this site where you can buy your way into a stranger’s wedding. The naive Tennessee couple selling tickets for $25 are about to find out why my invites keep getting lost in the post.
  • And to the Brazilian bricklayer who reportedly sold all his belongings and traveled 1,200 miles to meet his dream girl, only to discover she was AI, I say “don’t give up now,” drop another couple of grand (maybe sell a kidney); if it’s really love you can find a way to make it work. I want to be at your wedding, even if I have to buy my own ticket.
  • A new poll has revealed that 43 percent of Brits are happy calling snacks “picky bits,” despite this term being described as “the most revolting phrase in the English language” by the grimfaced dictionary fondlers at the Daily Telegraph—or should I say, the Telly D?

PREDICTION FOR THE WEEK AHEAD

BRAND NEW SENTENCE

BONUS PREDICTION: WHAT NEXT FOR ALI G

An AI version of the You Can See Everything trailer is shared on Donald Trump’s Twitter with the president sitting across the table from Ali G who asks, “Why would iz deceive you?” before the camera pans out to show him rocking a tiny baby Kamala Harris.

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

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