Conspiracy Theorists Are Losing Their Minds About CERN’s Big Shut Down
· Vice
Global warming, the slow creep towards World War III, the natural world being chewed up to feed our ever-deepening dependence on AI—there are already plenty of reasons to feel like Earth is on the cusp of irreversible catastrophe. And, as if that weren’t already enough, CERN is today being switched off for its third long shutdown, a process that will take four years. Predictably, many people are seriously freaked out about it.
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The thousands of scientists who work there claim this vital maintenance will allow them to unlock more of the universe’s secrets and in doing so answer some of the biggest questions we have about matter, energy, and existence. However, if certain pockets of the internet are to be believed, it will also allow them to pry open portals to other dimensions, merge our timeline with parallel universes, summon demonic entities, and generally cause limitless chaos.
CERN—officially the European Organization for Nuclear Research—is the world’s largest particle physics lab, based near Geneva on Swiss-French border. At the heart of CERN’s sprawling campus is the Large Hadron Collider, or LHC: a 27km underground ring where beams of protons are fired in opposite directions at close to the speed of light before being smashed together. Scientists then study the debris from those collisions to better understand the particles and forces that make up the universe. One of the most feared outcomes of these experiments is that scientists will open up—inadvertently or otherwise—a black hole or doorway to another dimension, allowing evil forces to invade our realm.
“Unfortunately, the phrase ‘black hole’ fueled a lot of conspiracy theories”
So, who’s right? The smartest scientists on Earth, or some people on the internet?
VICE put some of these concerns to Steven Goldfarb, an experimental particle physicist working for the University of Melbourne on the ATLAS Experiment at CERN. He told us that, theoretically, it would be possible to create a black hole—but it would only last 0.000000000000000000000000001 of a second. Furthermore, rather than being used as a doorway to let in aliens, werewolves, or doppelgangers (any of whom would need to be quick), any man-made black hole would be aiming to get to the bottom of the gravity conundrum that has plagued scientists for centuries.
He said: “We have limited understanding of gravity compared with other forces. One idea was that there could be extra spatial dimensions where gravity operates, while we, as electromagnetic beings, simply don’t notice them.
“Before the LHC was switched on, some theorists suggested that if it reached high enough energies, it might give us a glimpse of those extra dimensions through events known as micro black holes.
“Unfortunately, the phrase ‘black hole’ fueled a lot of conspiracy theories. In reality, these would have been nothing like the enormous black holes made from thousands or millions of suns, and they would never have posed a danger.”
The claims of finding extra dimensions have some truth to them, too. “We are trying to understand what the universe was like right at the very beginning, and at that moment, it’s possible there were things going on that we don’t see in everyday life—including, theoretically, extra dimensions,” says applied physicist Dave Barney, who’s worked at CERN for 32 years.
“Experiments in the LHC might give us the tiniest glimpse of that early universe, or of whether there is something else there, but only for a fraction of a fraction of time. Then it’s gone again.
“That is very different from opening a doorway, or a wormhole, or a portal into another dimension. We can’t do that. We’re not all-powerful. We’re trying to catch a glimpse of what the universe is really like, and understand it.”
Black holes and wormholes are arguably the most palatable conspiracies connected to CERN. Ever since the LHC was first switched on in 2008, there have been whispers about what’s “really” going on down there—and the more you read, the more bonkers (or terrifying) it becomes.
“The Large Hadron Collider has been compared to a modern Tower of Babel: a vast, technically brilliant monument built in pursuit of answers that humanity was never meant to have”
In 2009 came the first accounts of the “Mandela Effect”, where people started noticing that, suddenly, their shared memories didn’t match up. Did the Monopoly Man wear a monocle or not? Wasn’t Pikachu’s tail black at the tip? The debates rage on. In 2012, after years of smashing protons into one another, scientists confirmed the existence of the Higgs boson—popularly nicknamed the “God particle”, a phrase conspiracy theorists eagerly latched on to. The fact it was discovered in the same year that the Mayan calendar had pinpointed as the end of the world only added fuel to the fire.
For some religious critics and online doom-mongers, the language around CERN has always sounded dangerously close to humans trying to trespass on divine territory. The LHC has been compared to a modern Tower of Babel: a vast, technically brilliant monument built in pursuit of answers that humanity was never meant to have.
Many of the fears surrounding CERN come from interviews given by Dr. Astrid Stuckelberger, a Swiss researcher whose claims have become popular in CERN conspiracy circles and within the UFO “truther” community. Across several interviews, she has claimed that physicists told her there are 17 or more dimensions and that beneath the facility is a portal through which “beings” can come and go. One of her most viral claims is that a non-human entity appeared during one CERN experiment and stole a scarf. Perhaps aliens like holiday souvenirs, too?None of her claims have ever been verified, and the CERN staffers we spoke to for this feature denied that she’d ever had any connection with the facility in a professional sense.
Most of the CERN conspiracies, however, relate to what happens when the machine is restarted after an “off” period. The first scheduled maintenance—known as LS1, or Long Shutdown 1—lasted from 2013 until 2015, and in the months following its reboot, Donald Trump announced he would be running for president, a wave of celebrity deaths happened —including Prince, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Harambe, and WWE star Chyna—and then of course, there was Brexit. (There was also a spate of “killer clown” incidents.) It felt like suddenly the world had gone mad, and people began questioning if the reason why could be found in the labs beneath Geneva.
The second shutdown, LS2, happened between 2018 and 2021, and saw the machine wake up to a world defined by Covid restrictions, vaccine passports, QR codes, AI panic and a growing sense that everyday life had become more digitized and controlled.
The reasons for the shutdowns are valid. Despite conspiracist claims that they are staged to conceal desperate attempts to hold back legions of malevolent forces who have arrived uninvited from other dimensions—or time travelers from the future aiming to stop present-day scientists from accidentally deleting the universe—technology is evolving at a rapid rate and scientific tools need to be upgraded. “One of the changes we’re making is a bit like moving from an iPhone 4 to an iPhone 17—except it’s much more significant than that. It’s not just a simple upgrade. It’s a major leap in what the machine will be able to do,” explained Barney.
Ironically, the theories about CERN’s “shady hidden agenda” could not be shared without something it actually helped to create: the World Wide Web. CERN’s work over the past 70 years has also contributed to significant advances in healthcare, including technologies used in medical imaging and cancer treatment.
When CERN is next brought back online it’ll be 2030, a year already immersed in dystopian lore. Online, the UN’s Agenda 2030 has been recast as a blueprint for a world where we are reliant on digital IDs, live in smart cities, banned from international travel and eating red meat, forced into cashless economies, and left at the mercy of a fascist one-world government.
If that is how things play out, maybe we’ll start wishing that the CERN gang really could fire up the machine and take us somewhere less stressful—whether that’s the past, the future, another dimension entirely, or simply oblivion.
MY 5 FAVORITE CERN ConspiracY THEORIES
People believe about a lot of dubious things about what the scientists are doing in subterranean Geneva. Here’s some of the more outlandish ideas.
“It Opens Portals to Other Dimensions”
The Large Hadron Collider is not just smashing protons together, but punching tiny holes in the fabric of reality that allow all manner of horrors to slip through: demons, interdimensional beings, shadow creatures, malevolent aliens, and things that we can’t even imagine… yet.
“It Creates Mandela Effects”
Every time CERN powers up, powers down, or gets upgraded, reality gets slightly rewritten. We’re well overdue a new Mandela Effect—maybe this time, Marmite will become “Marmight”. And maybe EVERYONE will start loving it.
“It’s Actually a Stargate”
One of the most all-out sci-fi theories about CERN is that it’s actually a stargate: part of a hidden network of portals linking Earth to other planets, dimensions, or civilisations. Is it actually part of a bigger plan to prepare humanity for Full Disclosure, when governments finally admit aliens are not only real… but already here?
“It’s Thinning the Veil”
It’s not just aliens who might be using CERN as a sliding door to Earth. More occult-based theories argue that the aim is to weaken the “veil” between this world and the next. Seeing your nan and the hamster that died when you were nine again might seem fun, but remember that not all ghosts are like Caspar: some are inherently evil and feed solely on revenge.
“It’s Altering Time and Making It Go Faster”
Another theory is that CERN is not just meddling with space, but with time itself, explaining why the years now seem to vanish in a blur and an hour can feel like it has been quietly reduced to 40 minutes. There are, of course, more obvious explanations for this—phones, work, stress, getting older, the general horror of modern life—but none of them are quite as satisfying as blaming evil scientists.
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