10 Hilarious Mother’s Day Jokes From Your Favorite Comedians
· Vice
Friendly reminder: It’s time to scramble and grab your mom a last-minute gift again. No, it’s not Christmas or her birthday—unless her birthday happens to fall on Mother’s Day; in which case, lucky you!
Anyway, yeah, the day somebody you’ve never met decided you need to give your mother even more attention than she already gets is finally here. We realize Mother’s Day isn’t a holiday designed for everybody’s enjoyment, so as a consolation, here’s a list we put together of some jokes on the subject to help get you through the festivities (or lack thereof).
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10. JAY LENO
“Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.”
9. COLIN JOST
“This Sunday is Mother’s Day, a holiday that Georgia is trying to make mandatory.”
8. BILL MAHER
“This Mother’s Day, all Americans must pause and extend a special thanks to the women who maintain our homes, who take care of our kids, and who still make time for sex with dad. I’m talking, of course, about our nannies.”
7. JOAN RIVERS
“The best gift you can ever give mom is just understanding that, right or wrong, she did her best. But also, a nice diamond heart wouldn’t kill you, you ungrateful turd.”
6. JIM GAFFIGAN
“I think we’d all agree, no one deserves an entire day more than mothers. But if I’m being honest, why I truly cherish Mother’s Day, it’s because it ushers in Father’s Day Month. Yes, you heard that right: Father’s Day Month. I’m aware the concept is new to many of you, and I understand ‘Father’s’ ‘Day’ ‘Month’ is a bit of a mouthful. But I think we’d all agree, no one deserves an entire month more than Dads. Well, some of you would agree. Well, a recent Uber driver really liked the idea of Father’s Day Month.”
5. BOBBY SLAYTON
“By the way, Mother’s Day’s not really about your mother. Not unless you’re 12 years old. I mean, if your mom is still alive, gentlemen, what do you do? You call her up, you take her out for brunch if she lives nearby. If not, you send her flowers, you hope you’re still in the will…”
4. DAVID SPADE
“The only thing bad about Mother’s Day is it’s close to Father’s Day. And on Father’s Day, I have to get together with my real dad and go to some happy hour and check out girls. It’s so awkward. I’ll say, ‘Hey, dad, uh, that girl’s doable.’ And he’ll chime in, ‘I’ll tell ya who’s doable, your mom.’”
3. JOHNNY CARSON
“Kids in Beverly Hills on Mother’s Day, it is tough. They have to buy a card for their real mother, one for their stepmother, one for their future mother, and one for the housekeeper that really raises them.”
2. NORM MACDONALD
“Arriving back in the U.S. after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn’t spent Mother’s Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, ‘Idiot! I didn’t spend Mother’s Day with my kids because I killed their mother.’”
1. GEORGE CARLIN
“You know what they ought to have? Motherfucker’s Day. The day after Mother’s Day ought to be Motherfucker’s Day. Actually, when you think about it, Father’s Day is Motherfucker’s Day.”
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